


plain sight

by thiccheart



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Depression, Eating Disorders, M/M, OT13 - Freeform, Self-Harm, Short Chapters, Sorry!, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, hide n seek, jeonghan calls all the members baby, lowercase intended
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-26
Updated: 2019-11-30
Packaged: 2020-05-20 02:25:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 7,652
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19368151
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thiccheart/pseuds/thiccheart
Summary: the members were hiding in plain sight, yet nobody found them





	1. one ; seokmin

**Author's Note:**

> please read with caution 
> 
> and @ my boy who knows who he is,  
> thank u for helping me with this new au  
> ily <3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please read with caution!

seokmin played the game of hide and seek, but he didn't hide well. he hid in the most obvious place, his members never found him, looking into too many nooks and crannies for a sign something was off, not in plain sight. he played this game too well, making sure his members wouldn't suspect.

he sat in front, begging look for someone to help him and tell him it will be ok. hold him and talk to him until he could forget how empty his heartfelt.

nobody questioned the smiley boy, ever. and he liked it that way. despite being desperate to be loved and comforted, he didn't need to be a burden. he didn't want people worrying.

seokmin was sat on his bed, a pillow covering his mouth as he silently sobbed. he felt awful as his throat burned violently, water very dully subsided the pain from the recent purged.

he couldn't purge again, his members would be suspicious if the shower was running again, and so late at night.

god, he was such a cry baby, crying over such simple things that were meaningless. such an awful singer with voice cracks and off tune notes. trying to convince himself that he was fine until an unreleased video of his voice in its worst condition played back in his mind than sending him back to his familiar thoughts.

though jeonghan called him loving words he knew jeonghan called everyone else it too, he just called him baby and love just so he wouldn't feel left out. he didn't mean it. seokmin sighed, he knew he deserved his throat pains and heart racing. the times when he felt like he was near passing out or that his heart would give out he knew he deserved it.

the times when he would blackout on the bathroom floor for hours without nobody noticing he was gone, he deserved that too. even though before becoming an idol he still dealt with the same thoughts, restless nights crying over the stress of school weighing down or the constant training he underwent, he should be used to it. he shouldn't be crying. he shouldn't be so sensitive. such a whiney brat who shouldn't be crying. he had everything he ever wanted and he was crying? how selfish.

seokmin shouldn't feel this way, he didn't have to produce songs like jihoon, he didn't have to manage twelve members like seungcheol, he didn't have to face discrimination like hansol. he was just a singer and sang the songs that were written for him.

he stood up and paced to the bathroom, washing his face with cold water till it was no longer bright red and swollen. he tiptoed through the hallways still he reached a familiar bedroom, opening up the door and closing it silently. walking silently as he stood next to jeonghan's bed, lying down next to him and holding his hand.

"why are you still up baby?" jeonghan whispered in a sleepy voice.

"couldn't sleep." seokmin closed his eyes, trying to fall asleep on the elders chest quickly.

"why couldn't you love?"

seokmin sighed, "i don't know, just go to sleep." he said somewhat angrily. 'just having a bad night.' jeonghan thought. his fingers running through seokmin's hair to somewhat calm him.

"why are you angry love?" jeonghan prodded seokmin, hoping to relieve and stress built up.

"i am fine, just tired." seokmin mumbled.

"baby you seem tense." jeonghan rubbed his slender shoulders. seokmin seemed more agitated the more jeonghan prodded.

"i am not, i just want to sleep." seokmin let go of jeonghan's hand. jeonghan sighed, moving his hand back up to stroke his dark hair as he fell into a calming rest for the night. jeonghan pondered on the younger, watching his sleeping figure and thought over things that could of upset the sunshine. 'probably just a bad day.' he settled on this thought again, his tired mind not caring enough to try and figure it out. his body molding back into the comfortable bed and dozing back off into his own little dream land. 

seokmin was lost in thought, silently panicking as he nearly lost the game. he won't lose the game, not this easily.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next ; seungcheol
> 
> kudos and comments are always appreciated!


	2. two ; seungcheol

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this one gets dark  
> nearing the end,  
> i thought a warning was needed  
> just in case

"fuck." 

he swore, his eyes parting in the bathroom. he blacked out. he guessed it hadn't been so long from his purge, as his face was still an ugly shade of red and a fire hot temperature. seungcheol stood up off the floor and leaned over the sink, turning the sink on and dousing his face with cold water to hopefully cool it down. leaning over to turn the shower off finally. 

he could get over this, he just had to hold his food down, simple as that. though his body refused most foods, it wasn't used to digesting anything. he can do this. 

he flushed the toilet, leaving the restroom to crash on his bed, sighing softly into the warm sheets. god, how tired his body was after a purge, despite his heart was pounding so loudly and harshly. his fault though for purging for nearly an hour and a half. 

he was one of the worst at the game, too close to hiding in the corner, struggling to stay right where he knew he was safe. seungcheol left too many signs, the scarring on his pale hands that stood out like hot pink on navy blue, the way he often talked about losing weight in front of others, exercising most of his free time. they could all easily notice something was up, but they just passed it off. 

taking his excuses for that it was scarring for a burn while his childhood, or that their ceo said he needed the diet. they believed him. 

his fingers wrapped tightly around the pillow, screaming at himself in his mind that he needs to do better tomorrow. his eyes began to finally fall as this door opened to wonwoo. 

"still awake hyung?" wonwoo asked in curiosity. seungcheol nodded sleepily. eyeing the younger as he continued to doze.  

"we have a lot to do tomorrow, lets sleep." wonwoo smiled fondly, slipping his shirt and pants off into his sleepwear. 

"you losing weight hyung?" wonwoo asked, looking on his phone.  

"just the diet, don't worry." seungcheol lazily grinned, that's all this was,, a diet.

...

his body was not mixing well with a morning jog. he woke up at the crack ass of dawn, out the door quickly to try and make a lengthy run. just one thousand calories he needs to burn off. he would surely burn more during practice.

his throat was uncomfortably dry, his head feeling light while his legs took him down the downtown area. no matter how much water he chugged out of his water bottle it never helped his daze while he waited for the street sign to signal he could walk. the white walking man appeared, sending his legs back in motion from their break. 

halfway across the road, an angry red car screeched loudly, making seungcheol jump backward. startled as the elderly woman looked aggravated at the man running past. 

he mouthed an 'i'm sorry', continuing to run forward. seungcheol turned his phone on seeing he needed a meer over two hundred calories till he met his goal. he slipped it back into his hoodie pocket, going down streets and ally ways which seemed to go on forever. 

thoughts wormed their way into his brain, the thought of how he could of just nearly died filled his ears. drowning the overly loud streets of hussle and bussle. if he had been a second late he could have been hurt or killed. the elder woman looking near displeased with everything wouldn't care. 

death should scare him, such a permanent thing in life that could never be fixed or resolved. he had the choice whether he would live to see his friends grow old and marry, whether he would ever see his parents again, whether the simple joys of life could slip away past his fingertips. 

it felt oddly calming thinking about it. seungcheol knew he should feel somewhat terrified. but he didn't. seungcheol pondered about a day maybe where he goes under the water for too long, or maybe a busy highway that was eerily too close to their apartment. 

seungcheol turned the next street, dashing down the road, watching cars and buses fly past him.

it wasn't the thought of death that scared him, it was the power he held in the palms of his hand. the power between his own life and death.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next chapter ; jihoon
> 
> kudos and comments are appreciated


	3. three ; jihoon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yikEs i dont like this chapter but nonetheless i am still posting it lol
> 
> enjoyy

the fear of failing wasn't a stranger to jihoon. the slow build up of dryness layering his throat, his pale hands shaking against the keyboard as the track played in his headphones. drowned out by his loud thoughts screaming and pounding on his temple. 

the fear of failing always terrified him, his mother's constant tellings of to do your best and his father talking of to be the winner was a rule he kept till adulthood. though his parents told him they were proud, his childhood memories still burned into his brain. 

jihoon paused the track he was working on, placing the headphones down and attempting the breathing exercises he read online. 

they usually didn't help much but he tried. the continuous thoughts still flowing like a gushing waterfall in his head. he felt nauseous as he continuously thought over the band. curling into himself as if that was to ease his pains.

the vocal team all looked at him when it came to vocals, why not seungkwan? or joshua? the attention focused on him filled him with dread, the continuous questions about solo songs, making new songs and new albums.

but he held down his resentment about the constant responsibility that was weighed on him. sometimes just wishing to hold someone or be held. the warm feeling of someone calming his anxiety just from talking or skinship sounded great. the times where jeonghan would hold his hand and hold him before sleep, or when he would cuddle seokmin always calmed his nerves. 

it was always cut short, the crawling feeling of fear disappointing his members always made him leave. making up an excuse and going to his room, swirling thoughts of failing the group made his head hurt, usually passing out after his mind began to calm. telling the members could be easy, they should understand. but he couldn't lose the game now. 

he isn't giving up his hiding spot. 

producing with chest palpations was harder than it seemed. the underlying fear buried under calming methods that seemed to somewhat help. 

he can't concentrate, the constant racing thought of doing better and better flooded his symptoms, jihoon's body feeling worn out even if he was just producing a track. 

jihoon's trembling fingers curling into fists, trying to take deep breaths so he wouldn't break down and into an anxiety attack. 

the deadline for the song was coming up, and it wasn't even near completion. jihoon felt his heart go ungodly fast in his chest, hands wrapping tightly around the arms of his chair. he shot up from his desk, bolting out of the studio. going as fast as his legs could take down several flights of stairs. reaching the main floor and slamming the front door open in an attempt to get out quicker. 

jihoon ran down the street, running far and not stopping. he stopped against a wall, catching his breath while heaving over. the empty streets calming his nerves. he sighed softly, doing his breathing exercises again to finally relax. 

"jihoon?" a voice called, jihoon looking up and seeing their manager. 

"oh hey hyung." jihoon swallowed the nerves, plastering a smile up. 

"why are you out here so late?"

"i was just getting a run before i head back," jihoon fumbled with his fingers, hesitating before beginning to walk back. 

"we should get you to the dorms it is late." his manager walked with him. 

"i know i just have to get something." jihoon sighed, eventually reaching their building again. his feet sluggishly treading up the stairs back to the studio. having eyes drilled into his head by the manager as he shut down his computer and grabbed his belongings. 

"how is the song coming along?" their manager asked calmly, his voice echoing off of the stairwell. 

"good nearly done." he lied through his teeth. 

"i am excited to hear it, when is it due again? a week from yesterday wasn't it?" their manager asked the seemingly innocent question. jihoon's nervousness spiking something deep inside as he realized how close it is. 

"yep," he said with a weak smile, pulling the hood from his hoodie upwards. a face mask drawn over his mouth and nose. 

their manager continued the small chatter, soon stopping and walking in a peaceful silence back to the dorms. 

jihoon just had to work harder and it will be done soon, he can't let any of the members down.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next ; chan
> 
> kudos and comments are always appreciated!


	4. four ; chan

young chan never thought his adult self would be in this situation. nail scissors angled tight between his thumb and pointer finger, dragging deep lines across his thin legs. 

blood spouting out off the sides of the top of his thighs and onto the porcelain tile of the shower. the scalding hot water drenching his body and washing the blood down the drain. his stomach churned as the door was knocked on repeatedly. 

"baby," jeonghan's comforting voice filled his ears. "you need to get out so we can head out soon." chan sighed, standing up and poking his head out the curtain. 

"when are we going?" chan questioned, wincing slightly as soap he hadn't washed off yet dripped down and sank into the freshly made cuts. 

"in thirty minutes, so be out soon." jeonghan walked away from the door. chan rinsing his body once more before stepping out. drying his body with the soft plush black towel. chan opened the cabinets, pulling the first aid kit down to tend to his cuts. dabbing them with alcohol until another knock on the door. 

"chan are you coming?" soonyoung spoke softly and with concern. 

"yep just changing now." chan got up wrapping ace bandages lazily around the top of his thighs. pulling sweatpants and a white t-shirt over his frame. not even caring to blow dry his hair, rubbing his head with the towel before exiting out with a rush. grabbing his belongings and shoes from his room. his members waiting in the living room for the youngest. 

"had a good shower?" seungcheol smiled, following behind the band with chan. the youngest nodded, feeling the hot burn on his thighs itch. 

he knew that practice would be hell from the injuries. the constant moving shifting the cuts and bandages rubbing harshly. just walking moderately fast pained him. 

just swallow it and nobody will find him. 

...

"take ten." soonyoung sighed, spotting his worn out members. the youngest walking over to the walls of the room and grabbing his water. his eyes drifting to his pants. fuck. blood was seeping through. 

"i am going to the bathroom," he said in a hushed voice, storming out of the practice room and speed walking to the nearest bathroom. all his thoughts were was if someone noticed. the lie he would have to make up if a member asked what happened. chan arrived at the restroom, dashing into a stall and locking the door. he slid his sweatpants down, sighing at the sight. 

his bandages have failed, blood drenching the white fabric. it was probably also on his part. the constant moving and dancing most likely making the cuts reopen. 

chan pulled the bandages off, grossed out by the amount of blood dripping down. it fell off his thighs and onto the tiled floor. he wadded up the toilet paper, placing pressure onto the cuts. it stung so bad, his face convulsing in pain. 

chan heard his members calling out for him, the sound of voices soon surrounding the door of the bathroom. they entered, chan's body locking up in place, disregarding his cuts and hastily wiping the blood off the floor before they would see. 

"channie?" joshua called out, knocking on all the stalls. 

"yeah?" he said in a hushed voice, trying not to sound off. 

"you ok? you've been in here the whole time during the break." junhui's calming voice laced with concern over their youngest member. 

"i am fine, was feeling dizzy and needed some air." he lied, hoping they will believe him. chan bit his lip, nails digging into the palm of his hand. 

"do you feel like you might faint?" junhui asked, walking close to the stall door where chan was. 

"no no no, i will be fine, just give me a moment." 

"can you come out baby?" jeonghan asked with the pet name added on the end. chan stood up shakily, flushing the bloody toilet paper down and pulling the grey pants back up and tightening the strings. chan prayed silently that they wouldn't notice the red splotches on the pants as he stepped out. jeonghan and all of the members waiting for him. 

"do you wanna sit out for a couple of dances till you feel better?" seungcheol asked, rubbing the youngest members shoulder. 

"that would be fine." chan leaned against jeonghan's shoulder. sighing softly against the warm elder. the members all walking out, heading back to the practice room. 

yet nobody noticed minghao's round eyes drilled to chan's pants, noticing the red dot stains feathering on his grey sweatpants.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next ; joshua


	5. five ; joshua

"hyung, this isn't healthy," hansol sighed, reading over joshua's new calendar for the month. 

"no it isn't, it is just to shave off a pound or two." joshua said with a blank stare, gazing intensely at his phone. 

"joshua, you said that last month, you know that this is a problem." hansol stood up, throwing the elders computer lazily on his bed. 

"that's hyung and it isn't a problem, all of us go on diets regularly." he gazed over at the younger member. 

"it is unhealthy if you are close to losing nearly a pound of weight a day, and fasting? we need to tell the others." hansol sighed, sitting down in the elders desk chair. 

"then we will tell them about your depression." joshua placed his phone down, gazing over to check and see if his door was shut. 

"of course you say that." hansol muttered under his breath. "you know it is just because i want you ok." 

"i am fine hansol, stop being a worry wart." joshua reassured with a soft smile. 

"what did you eat today?" hansol pressed on, leaning over to look joshua in the eyes. 

"you saw on my calendar sol, be happy i even showed you this one," Joshua replied, going back to his phone to try and block out the youngers nagging. 

"you don't know how hard it is to not go to the others." hansol tried his hardest, oh so hardest to convince the elder to tell the others. 

"it is hard for me to tell the others about you, ok can we drop this?" joshua snapped, ears going a firetruck red. 

"hyung-" 

"hansol drop it, we made a deal. and it is late soonyoung is probably worried about you not being in your room. just go." joshua turned over to roll up in his sheets. hansol bit his lip, grabbing his phone and leaving the elder. 

"goonight joshua."

...

"come get breakfast!" mingyu yelled loudly throughout the house. bustling noises of the boys entering filling up the dorm. the bitter smell of coffee and eggs filling their noses. joshua had his lips tight between his teeth, staring down at the plate given to him. it was just a waste, he didn't need to eat it. 

he quietly entered the living room where some of the members ate and talked quietly among themselves. obviously, some still waking up. joshua sat himself a little farther away from the other members. hoping they wouldn't notice him. 

the other members joined quickly, some members now talking loudly and completely waking up. he was trying his hardest to draw away attention from himself, only picking at a couple of small bites. 

"hey hyung." hansol looked over at joshua, grabbing his attention. 

"why aren't you eating?" joshua felt his blood boil, seeing the eyes all on him and his plate, waiting for him to do anything. 

"i am," he said with a small smile, taking a big bite into his mouth. the other members turning their heads back to their meals, seungcheol smiling softly. 

"make sure you eat up, we have a big schedule today." he grinned his gummy smile. joshua nodding along, cursing in his native tongue under his breath. 

he hated that grinned hansol swiped on his face once he forced down a couple of bites. joshua left the room as soon as he had a chance, changing into his practice outfit. 

"i am glad you ate." a voice erupted. hansol as always. 

"you basically forced me you dick." joshua growled, trying to ignore his younger. 

"i did that so you would eat." hansol leaned against the walls, sighing softly. joshua peeled his sleep shirt off, the younger gasping in shock. 

"hyung! i can see your whole spine!" hansol exacerbated. rushing over to run his fingers over the ridges. 

"shut up! someone could hear you hansol." joshua snapped, pulling the shirt down quickly. 

"hyung you need to get better!" hansol said barely above a whisper. watching his elder's face turn soft. 

"i don't need help, just go downstairs they are probably waiting for us." joshua sighed, watching hansol sigh and nod his head. slipping out of the room without another word. 

he didn't need help, he was fine. just needed to keep hiding.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next ; hansol


	6. six ; hansol

hansol had his hands on his knees, taking labored breaths in the practice room as other small talk and pants filled the room. 

his muscles cried with every single move, a feeling he has grown too used to at this point. his eyelids heavy nearly about to fall. 

hansol noticed joshua's sharp eyes digging into him, sighing softly knowing the elder would be questioning him later. 

"hansol come on! you are in my spot!" chan shoved, hansol falling to the floor. the whole room went quiet, looking at chan in shock. 

"h-hyung i am sorry." chan gasped, going to his side to help him up. hansol plastered a smile across his lips. 

"it is fine channie, you were right i was in the wrong place." hansol moved to his spot. 

that smile didn't feel right, the first one that reached his eyes, lips were curled up high. it felt different from the other smiles that have been shown before. like it was real. 

hansol noticed the concerned face that plastered the youngest member. hansol swore quietly under his breath, hearing the quiet start of their newest song beginning. 

the members' worried faces turned to charismatic faces as they practiced, trying their hardest to memories each and every move that was shown to them. a move where hansol had to stand on his knees is when he noticed the dull pain flaring in his legs. looking down to see bruises forming on his red knees. 

hansol bit his lip, ignoring the pain for the time being. beginning his rap part with some eyes bestowed on him.

chan's thoughts still marked on the smile, it wasn't normal it didn't seem like hansol. it wasn't the one that he had seen for years. the usual gummy smile that everyone loved. 

like it was a different person. 

...

"something isn't right with hansol." seungkwan gazed up to see chan pacing their room.

"what?" he weakly laughed, placing his phone down to sit up. patting his bed for chan to sit down with him. 

"he smiled after i pushed him today, it wasn't,, normal. like it was a whole new person." chan flopped down on the bed, sighing loudly.

"it is probably nothing." seungkwan brushed it off. looking at the youngest member. 

"it was not just nothing, it was completely different from anything i have seen before. it was..." chan paused, taking a shaky breath. "i don't know, it is just probably my mind running to fast." 

"you seem pretty distraught channie, why don't you talk to him?" 

"i don't want him to be uncomfortable if there is something wrong, he could like..." he paused, "put up a wall and hide what is wrong. i don't want him to be scared to talk to us." chan thickly swallowed, looking at his hyung.

"do you want me to talk to him? we could tell our manager." seungkwan offered, tossing his legs over the edge of the bed. 

"no no no i don't want them worrying. he is probably fine just don't do anything." seungkwan sighed at the youngest's panic. 

"if you get worried over him again please tell someone ok?" seungkwan stood up, pulling chan up as well. chan nodded with a sad smile.

"let's go eat." seungkwan pulled chan to the living space, seeing the members huddled over bowls of food. 

seungkwan looked at hansol who was smiling at a joke joshua cracked. it looked normal, his normal gummy smile that everybody loved. 

he passed it off and grabbed a warm bowl of food, plopping down in the huddle of members. it was quiet besides the slurping sounds and the jokes that were cracked every once in a whole. 

soonyoung made a joke, raising his arms and smacking hansol in the head. "hansol why are you right behind me?" soonyoung weekly laughed.

"i am sorry hyung," he weakly smiled. that was the smile chan had seen. something wasn't right. it didn't look like the usually smiley hansol. 

seungkwan pondered on the thought, "hansol would tell us if he was not okay right?" his mind raced as he shoveled a piece of meat into his mouth. "of course he would." he thought. surely, he would say if something wasn't okay. 

hansol was fine, it was just a smile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> that's the end of the introductions <3   
> "real" chapters will begin after this !


	7. seven ; seungcheol

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yokEs sorry for late updatess  
> but yanno it be like that

hands were nice, holding them was even nicer. the eldest member was playing with the long slender fingers, the younger of the two scrolling through twitter lazily, chuckling every once in a while. 

"when do we have practice tomorrow?" seungcheol spoke aloud, looking up at jeonghan. his chin resting on the younger chest. 

"umm..." jeonghan placed his phone down, rubbing his temples to think. "i think they said it was six am? seven am? i don't remember. sometime around there. but manager-hyung should come to get us before practice starts." jeonghan finished up, picking his phone up once again to begin scrolling again. 

seungcheol sighed, rubbing his tired eyes in dissatisfaction. he would have to get up very early for working out. maybe jihoon could join him. he didn't want to be all alone there at nearly four am. 

seungcheol rolled over, picking his phone up, wincing at the blindingly bright screen. tapping to his clock app and creating an alarm for four am, yawning sleepily before flopping next too jeonghan again. 

"why four am?" jeonghan questioned, eyeing seungcheol in curiosity. 

"needing to train some, i forgot to work out yesterday." seungcheol yawned into jeonghan's chest. eyes fluttering shut. 

"well get some sleep ok? we don't want you getting ill." jeonghan worried. that was their jeonghan. caring and sweet jeonghan. their hyung who knows exactly when the jokes need to stop and it's a serious time. no one liked serious jeonghan but sometimes he was needed. 

"i will jeonghan, don't worry." seungcheol tapped jeonghan's chest with a light tempo. jeonghan smiled, playing with the elders hair. 

"good." jeonghan sighed into the air, looking around the pitch black room. 

"are you gonna sleep in here? or your room?" jeonghan asked, noticing the half asleep seungcheol with half-lidded eyes. 

"your warm and wonwoo snores, so here if it is ok with you."  seungcheol mumbled in his half-asleep voice. 

"it's fine, sleep well cheolie." 

"you too jeonghan." 

...

this wasn't a good idea but he needed to do it. his eyes nearly falling as his legs trecked the slow paced treadmill. he was all alone in here, not wanting to awake the sleeping jihoon. he worked so hard for all of them he deserved it. 

seungcheol pushed his legs to their last limit, feeling the burn that made his legs nearly give out underneath him. his eyes staring at the screen of the treadmill like his life depended on it. 

"just a couple more miles," he said to himself, watching the miles screen waiting for it to tick up a couple more with wide eyes. 

"hyung!" a deep voice rummaged into seungcheol's ears, startling him. his legs fell from under him, falling off the exercise equipment to the floor. it was mingyu, who was now rushing over with water. 

"you look like your about to pass out! you don't need to work out in this condition." mingyu helped him sit up, putting a bottle to his lips. 

seungcheol's body ached even when sitting down. mingyu sitting in front of him with a worried gaze. "are you ok hyung?" 

"yeah i am fine," he whispered with glazed eyes.  

"are you sure? you don't look it." mingyu sighed, pooling some water in his palm and rubbing it on seungcheol's face. 

"you need to get more sleep hyung, your body isn't going to be reacting well to early morning workouts if you are going to bed nearly at midnight," mingyu said in worried tounges. 

"i will be fine, don't worry, let me finish." seunngcheol attempted to stand, legs wobbly and shaky as he rose to his feet.

mingyu tried pulling him off slowly, his tired leader falling in his arms. "hyung, sit back down you are worrying me." mingyu whimpered, his eyes dressed in concern. 

"mingyu, i am fine." seungcheol slurred. "just let me finish." 

"hyung i am not letting you finish this. you are way too tired, you are gonna pass out if you keep working yourself like this!" almost like clockwork, seungcheol stumbled back, falling onto mingyu. eyes rolled back till the whites of his eyes showed. his whole body was clammy and pale. 

"fuck!" mingyu yelled, squatting down to let seungcheol down onto the ground. 

"hyung! wake up!" mingyu snatched the water bottle from the ground, pouring it over seungcheol's pale face. feeling tears of his own fall. 

seungcheol was most definitely not fine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was a really bad chapter but we tri  
> kudos and comments are appreciated
> 
> next chapter ; seokmin


	8. eight ; seokmin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> shitty chapter #2  
> but seokhan

"seokmin it's gonna be ok, he won't die alright?" 

jeonghan held the younger tight in his grasp. his voice being the only thing in the small waiting room. the poor boy was shaking like a leaf, thoughts deep in the thought of only the worst. 

"breath baby." jeonghan whispered, stroking his soft hair. seokmin looked around, eyeing the members. 

chan sat in a corner with soonyoung stuck to his side. breathing slowly as chan held back salty tears. joshua and hansol leaning on one another. silently looking around the room in shock. no words to say. jihoon and wonwoo helping calm minghao and junhui down. the two chinese men mumbling silent words in their native tongue. mingyu sighed, head in his palms and looking around in disbelief. seungkwan crying silently next to jeonghan, swollen, bright red face. 

they were scared. 

seokmin wiped his snotty nose with his sleeve, hearing the loud clicks of the door opening and closing. seungcheol's parents and the group's manager sadly entering. a small whisper between the three before one started talking. 

"he is stable." their manager started. "they ran some tests on him, but they haven't said what was the cause for him to faint yet." the leaders' parents sat down, their hands tight with one another in a silent comfort. another quiet pause. 

"i know everything is scary right now but, you guys have to not take out this stress on..." seokmin tuned their manager out, sighing softly into the air. trying to be quiet in the waiting room while the others listened tediously. 

this wasn't normal for the boys. their managers shoveling water down their throats for hours and making sure they get sleep even with a busy schedule. 

"we will tell you guys once we know what is going on." their manager finished, sighing loudly and sitting in a chair. 

what if seungcheol was doing what he was doing. no. seungcheol wouldn't. seokmin didn't want his worst enemy to do what he was doing. his stomach felt sick at the thought. closing his eyes and resting on jeonghan's frame who was now solacing seungkwan.  

seokmin just hoped he was ok. hoping it was just lack of sleep or dehydration if anything was wrong. the thoughts were lighter than the other ones cramming into his brain.

"when can we see him?" a quiet voice picked up, minghao, his nose a cherry red. seokmin gazed over to his parents and manager, ready for an answer. 

"when he wakes up, and if he is wanting to see you." his father mumbled out. "also when the doctor says the okay," he added. 

jeonghan looked over, moving his hand to comb the tangles and knots out of seokmin's dry hair. the continues dying on his hair making it more dry than soft. 

"how about we go get some fresh air." jeonghan whispered. sensing the youngers stress building up. seokmin nodded weakly. jeonghan reached into his bag, pulling two face masks out. sliding one into seokmin's palm.

the two quietly exited, out the waiting room door. slipping the straps around their ears. their quiet footsteps filled their surroundings, down the hospital hallways till they made it to the exit.

"he is gonna be ok seokmin. you know he is strong." jeonghan rubbed his arms as the cold air hit his skin. 

"i know hyung, i am just scared." seokmin uttered. 

"i think everyone is minnie." minnie. the soft nickname that made seokmin melt. such a simple thing that could help calm him. 

"you know you can come to us ok? we are a team. if you need to talk to me or chan or jihoon or anyone. you know we will always be here." jeonghan reached out to seokmin's hands. rubbing his knuckles. "i don't want you guys collapsing, i worry about you guys yanno?"

"jeonghan should be worrying over seungcheol. not me." seokmin thought. nodding slightly nonetheless. 

"good." jeonghan shivered, his three-quarter shirt not doing him any justice. seokmin pulled his grey cardigan off, wrapping it around his hyung.

"now you are gonna get cold." jeonghan laughed weakly. treasuring the warmth. 

"doesn't matter, we will go back in soon." seokmin huffed, taking a deep breath of the chilly air. 

the front door opened up to jihoon, motioning for them to come in.

"he woke up."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comments and kudos are appreciated <3  
> thank you for reading
> 
> next chapter ; chan


	9. nine ; seungcheol

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my bro - - thank u so much for the help with this chapter  
> you didnt have to but you did so i thank you  
> ily 😔💞💞  
> (also longest chapter yet :))

yikes.   
his eyes hurt.

the bright lights shining on his face. eyes struggling to make out what was going on. the loud beeping ringing into his ears. blobs of color coming into focus. his mom. his father.

"how are you feeling?" his mother's sweet voice coming into his ears. a cold hand falling on his pale forehead.

"what happened?" seungcheol whispered with a raspy voice.

"mingyu said you fainted, dehydration they think." his mother bit her lip, looking at seungcheol's father.

"i am gonna go tell the doctor you are awake." his mother kissed his head, walking away with the loud click of the heavy door. seungcheol looked in his hazy state at his father. his dad mindlessly gazing at the black and white newspaper. a comfortable silence falling in them. seungcheol fumbled with his fingers, looking at the iv stuck deep into his hand. following the tube in a blind boredom to a bag hanging dauntlessly above his head. his mind tumbling with thought over thought.  _fuck, they are going t_ _o find out_. knowing tests would be tested on him, finding the reasons for his blackout. shortly after the sound of the door opening again, mother followed by the doctor and two nurses.

_here we go._

"hello seungcheol, i'm dr. seo. i heard you had fainted? is that correct?" the taller doctor looking at seungcheol.

"yeah." seungcheol fumbled with his fingers, sighing into the quiet room.

"alright, well we are gonna run a couple of tests to figure out why." dr. seo smiled with a pearly white smile. the nurses preparing a couple syringes and bottles.

"only a couple minutes." dr. seo flipped through seungcheol's papers, reviewing his vitals. "we will do electrolyte test, urinalysis, a physical and a blood test today, those should help us figure it out." 

...

seungcheol winced at the quick movement of his arm, looking at the bandages on his forearm. listening to jisoo quietly snicker at him. the first four members from the 12 outside coming in. jeonghan, jihoon, soonyoung, and joshua. jeonghan sitting next to seungcheol and rubbing his knuckles.

"mingyu said you took a nasty fall." jeonghan weakly laughed, looking at seungcheol's sleepy eyes.

"i barely remember. all i remember was that i was working out, heard mingyu, then nothing after." seungcheol recited, yawning loudly.

"hmm." jeonghan replied, a comfortable silence falling between each other.

"i hope it isn't anything bad." soonyoung looked at his leader with a comforting gaze. "me too." jihoon mumbled out, sitting in a corner while picking at his dull nails.

"i promise it won't be anything bad. probably just dehydrated." seungcheol comforted his members and mother. a silence falling in six.

"what did our manager say? have they said anything to carats or anything?" seungcheol eyed jeonghan.

"i don't think so, i think he is waiting till they know why." jeonghan explained, "we can ask later but i am pretty sure that's it." seungcheol nodded, yawning loudly.

"i wanna sleep." seungcheol shut his eyes, laying his head back against the hospital pillow. "can this doctor just hurry up," he whined, rubbing his cold arms. his mother pulling his blanket up to his shoulders.

"a little longer i am sure he will be here soon." his father spoke up from his chair, the newspaper now folded on his lap in a neat square. almost as if on que, dr. seo walked in, holding a clipboard with his results. the members rushed out by his mother rather quickly.

"so we did see something with your electrolytes." dr. seo closed the door with one hand, sitting in a rolling stool. "the levels are  _really_ low." dr. seo looked at seungcheol with his sharp glare.

"and there were some things i viewed on your physical that concerned me." dr. seo walked over. "do you have any reasoning for hair loss?" a pounding silence fell on the room.

"no dr." seungcheol replied. dr. seo tapped on his clipboard with a pen for a moment, his eyes meeting with seungcheol's scarred hands. writing down quickly.

"i am going to call a psychiatrist in here, i think they may be able to get a better diagnosis than my own." dr seo slipped his pen into his pocket looking at the two. leaving abruptly.

"a psychiatrist? seungcheol are you not telling us something?" his father stepped from his chair, walking to his son.

"i don't know dad." seungcheol sighed, scratching his neck. biting his cherry red lips. everything could be figured out, right here, right now. in minutes. he crossed his arms to help heat his thin body up. why are hospitals always so cold?

the door clicked open to find a young woman. seungcheol's file on a similar clipboard to dr. seo.

"hello seungcheol." she took the same rolling stool and sat on the end of the hospital bed.

"from what dr. seo told me you had fainted? is that correct?" seungcheol nodded, nervously tapping at his elbows.

"seungcheol," she looked at him, her eyes staring straight through his soul. "is that russel's sign on your hand?" she said in a blunt tone, his mother looking at the two with panicked eyes.

"what's russel's sign?" his mother queried, her panicked wrinkled eyes meeting with the psychiatrist.

"it's scarring on the knuckles from repeated purging," she revealed, her eyes meeting back with seungcheol. "seungcheol do you purge?" she said.

the silence fell on the room, eyes digging deep into seungcheol's frame. mrs. cheol's hands falling on his shoulder.

"you can tell us anything seungcheol, you know this right?" seungcheol felt his breath catch in his throat.  _no, i don't. i don't have a problem._ he denied. but it couldn't pass his lips. he felt boiling tears fall into the corners of his eyes.  _don't cry, don't cry, don't cry._

"yes." he mumbled aloud, "but don't all idols do?" he finally let his breath out, using the palm of his hand to wipe the tears about to fall. hearing his mother and fathers broken gasps breaking his heart.

"seungcheol why?" his mother cried, wrinkled fingers tightening on his shoulder.

"mom, the fans and my company want me to be perfect. i can't fail them i have to be..." he paused, "i have to have them like me or i will just drag the band down. i am sorry."

"seungcheol i think i have your diagnosis." the psychiatrist stood up, writing a final note. "you have bulimia. from purging, your electrolytes dropped, which is most likely why you fainted. for treatment we recommend..." the world fell quiet. it always stuck in his head that there was a chance. but the fact that someone said it aloud. it didn't seem real.

_i am not sick._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kudos and comments are appreciated


	10. ten ; seungcheol + jihoon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow backstreets back and i am backstreet  
> thank my friend for making me write   
> ily :)

"jihoon and soonyoung," their manager announced, leaning into the waiting room. "come out here okay?"   
the two unit leaders shot from their seats,  following their manager with worry filling their senses.

"is he okay hyung?" soonyoung questioned, fingers picking at his nails mindlessly.  their manager had an anxious gloss in his eyes.

"seungcheol was diagnosed with bulimia, his parents are going to be taking him home for a bit. we are gonna announce his break tomorrow." their manager explained, watching the two leaders faces turn to one of shock, fear, and sadness. combining into one grey emotion barely able to describe.

"he is gonna be okay, his parents are gonna get him a therapist okay? he is gonna be okay." he tried to comfort. jihoon's nails digging into his side. feeling sick brew in his sides. hearing soonyoung's concerns going to cotton in his ears.  _wait, wait till they are done talking. make an excuse. make an excuse._

"do you wanna go see him?" their manager snapped him out. jihoon took a deep breath, seeing soonyoung quickly nod.

"jihoon?" the vocal leader looked up, shaking hands slipping into his pockets.

"i am sorry, i need a moment." jihoon walked down the hallway, feet gliding across tiled floor for the bathroom. charging into the men's and into an isolated stall.  _deep breaths, he is going to be okay. hyung said he was going to be okay._ jihoon curled up into himself, trying to gain some security from the overpowering sounds and worries filling his head.  _deep breath and another deep breath._ tears tipped tragically over the edge of his eyes, falling down his face.

"don't cry jihoon, it will be okay," he whispered to himself, nails digging into his palms as the overpowering worried feel clawed its way back in. he swallowed a small cry, shaking hands to his knees. chest heaving. the only worst thoughts clouding his whole head. forcing any other thought out if his head forcing him to meet eyes with the clouding words filling his brain.

"jihoon are you okay?" a soft voice filled the bathroom. seokmin. his sweet seokmin. jihoon took tissue paper from the roll, dabbing his eyes quickly, ignoring his shaky hands.

"yeah just i am still kinda freaked out for hyung." his voice uneasy and quaint.

"what happened? did they say how he is?" jihoon sniffled, standing up and exiting the stall. bringing seokmin to a hug, needing the warmth he brought.

"not my place to say." jihoon mumbled, pulling away from the younger vocalist.

"he'll be okay, okay?"

"trust me."

...

"hi hyung." jihoon whispered, seeing seungcheol's tired eyes smiling softly. the hospital room being filled by him and seungcheol only.

"hi." a silent pause filled the room, breath filling jihoon's lungs. looking at his best friend hooked up with wires.

"are you okay?" jihoon reached for seungcheol's hand, rubbing the knuckles. despite the cold skin, it comforted his nerves.

"yeah, i will go home for a bit then i will come back alright? they said it isn't that bad."

"they told me hyung." jihoon deadpanned, watching seungcheol bite his lips going silent, his thumb rubbing jihoon's knuckle.

"i didn't say they could, did manager-hyung do this?" seungcheol questioned, taking a deep breath.

"he did? that is awful hyung, i am so sorry. but hyung, he said that they are gonna release it to the public tomorrow, did he ask you about that at all?" jihoon asked, combing seungcheol's rough locks.

"tomorrow?" seungcheol looked up, realization hitting in. "no, hyung didn't ask me he can't just tell everyone about it, it's my own personal information."

"listen you need to take a deep breath hyung. you can talk to him soon okay?" jihoon whispered, rubbing his thumbs into his shoulder blades. a silence falling between them. jihoon looking down at seungcheol's clenched fingers.

"i am so sorry jihoon." seungcheol's voice broke, the younger looking up to meet the tearful gaze of his hyung. "i am so sorry and i know if you are angry that i didn't tell you. i-i just didn't want to burden anyone."

"i am not angry at you hyung, not at all. you don't have to be afraid of burdening any of us okay? we love each other and will help. you could never burden us." jihoon whispered, wrapping his arms around seungcheol, hand still tight around his. hearing his hyung's strained whimper.

"we gotcha okay? we won't leave you."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kudos and comments are greatly appreciated <3


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